Hogwarts Has Talent
by tartan-angel
Summary: A magical spin on one of the most popular talent shows around. MMAD... if you wait a bit! Rated T to be safe. Hermione Granger's point of view.


**Hogwarts Has Talent**

My heart was pounding and was residing somewhere around my mouth as I waited in the wings with Harry and Ronald. Pansy Parkinson was murdering 'Dancing Queen', apparently under the illusion that she was brilliant. I heard the dreaded buzzers sound, each in quick succession of the other, from the stage that had been set in the Great Hall.

"That was absolutely dreadful," came the voice of Professor McGonagall, "I've seen more talent in a box of dead flobberworms!"

"I disagree. I think it was wonderful, Miss Parkinson," said Albus Dumbledore joyfully.

"This is coming from the man who thinks that green and orange checkered robes make a fantastic combination," Professor McGonagall quipped.

"At least I don't smell of chamomile and cat hair!"

"Why, you insolent little ba-"

"Alright girls, claws away," Severus Snape drowned out the bickering teachers with his usual drawl, "Albus, yes or no?"

"It's a yes from me."

"Minerva?"

"Definitely not!"

"I am sorry, Miss Parkinson, that is two no's."

Pansy darted from the stage, with tears streaming from her dull grey eyes, and disappeared amongst a large group of Slytherins. I could have sworn I heard someone within the group say:

"Don't worry about that frigid old cow, Pansy…she doesn't know what she's talking about!"

The truth was, Minerva McGonagall knew exactly what she was talking about. I had heard her sing many times at Grimmauld Place (she always seemed more relaxed there than at Hogwarts) before Harry had come to stay there, she was surprisingly good. I remember one time, on one of the rare nights when she stayed for dinner, she transfigured a tea cup into a piano and we all gathered around it while the Professor played and sang. Even Molly Weasley dragged herself away from the dinner preparations to join in and Sirius Black went so far as to smile his first real smile in a long time! That was the reason that Professor McGonagall was on the judging panel.

And the other judges? Well, I heard that Professor Snape was a rather splendid dancer (not that I am one for gossiping!). Unfortunately, _he_ refrained from showing off his talent at 12 Grimmauld Place. He, unlike the other Order members, seemed his usual stern, sadistic, greasy self when visiting the Headquarters. Well, to tell the truth, he looked even more tense and uncomfortable when he was there.

As for Professor Dumbledore, well, he was probably just there because he was Headmaster and because he could! However, he was one of, if not _the, _greatest wizards of the age, so maybe he did have an undiscovered talent that we knew nothing about.

"Next up…Miss Hermione Granger!" Professor Dumbledore's majestic voice drifted from the judges' table and hit me like a slap in the face.

"Hermione," Harry whispered, "that's your cue."

"Good luck 'Mione," said Ron, "Break an arm…or whatever it is that Muggles say."

My breathing increased in pace and, once again, my heart was in my mouth. A deep breath and a few steps. That's all it takes. That's all.

I mentally slapped myself, took the breath and walked into centre stage. It seemed like an eternity before any sound crept up from the judges' table.

"So, Miss Granger, what talent will you be displaying for us today?" Professor Snape was wearing his customary sneer as he spoke.

I stared out at the audience and hundreds of eyes stared back. 'Oh Lord,' I thought, 'The whole school's turned up! Oh…pull yourself together and answer the bloody question!'

"I-I'm going to s-sing for you." I stuttered.

"Oh, joy! Another one!" Snape was obviously enjoying my nervousness.

"Don't listen to him, Miss Granger. He is simply jealous because he cannot sing." Professor McGonagall turned towards Snape and sent him a bright, if somewhat sarcastic, smile.

"And you can?" he retaliated by glaring at her. Bad choice! He had evidently not been on the receiving end of too many of her famous glares that, apparently, reduced a sixth year Hufflepuff student to tears.

"Well I suppose we shall find out later," Albus Dumbledore butted into their argument.

"What exactly do you mean by that, Headmaster?" The Potions Master and Transfiguration Mistress both snapped their heads around in unison.

"You will see," he muttered, "Now, Miss Granger, would you like to begin?"

I nodded, gave Harry the signal and the music began. I raised my wand to my throat and cast the 'sonorous' charm, I could tell that I was trembling. The introduction faded away.

'Oh crap! What if I mess up in front of all of these people? Oh no! Oh no…too late to panic now.' My head really was a mess!

"_When I'm with you baby_

_I go outta my head_

_And I just can't get enough_

_And I just can't get enough_." I cringed as I heard my voice magically magnified and echoed around the Great Hall.

"_All the things you do to me_

_And everything you said_

_I just can't get enough_

_I just can't get enough." _At least the judges didn't seem to hate it and I wasn't being booed.

"_We slip and slide as we fall in love_

_And I just can't seem to get enough of_

_We walk together _

_We're walking down the street_

_And I just can't get enough_

_And I just can't get enough._

_Everytime I think of you _

_I know we have to meet_

_And I just can't get enough_

_I just can't get enough."_

No buzzers sounded, but Professor Dumbledore held up his hand to silence me and I removed the 'sonorous' charm.

"I think we have heard enough, don't you agree?" There was a deathly silence after his words which lingered in the air and was not broken for what seemed like years.

"Well…apart from the odd flat note, that wasn't half bad." I could feel scarlet flushing into my cheeks after Professor McGonagall's compliment.

"Th-thank you," was all that I could manage to utter.

"Quite alright. Severus, yes or no?"

"As much as I hate to say it to a Gryffindor, yes!" My heart leapt at this. Severus Snape actually liked my performance!

"I-I-I…sorry, I am speechless," Professor McGonagall stuttered, her jaw hanging down, "Wow…um…Albus, yes or no?"

"One hundred percent yes!"

"Well done, Miss Granger, it's three yesses from us!"

I squealed with delight and bolted into the wings to meet Harry and Ron. Oh my gosh! I actually did it! I was bombarded by barricades of hugs and congratulations from my classmates as we rejoined the audience.

After watching many more acts, including singers, dancers, animal trainers, more singers and various other 'talents', the Headmaster rose from his chair and turned to address the audience. He was planning something, there was that mischievous twinkle in his eye, I could tell. He cleared his throat and spoke (well, he sounded rather like he was about to collapse into fits of uncontrollable laughter at any second).

"I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our wonderful participants," a round of applause and cheers erupted from the crowd, "I would also like to remind you that the semi-finals will take place next Saturday, and the finals, two weeks after that. A full list of semi-finalists will be posted in all common rooms as soon as us judges have deliberated and decided on who goes through to the next round. And, now, as a special treat for you, I have decided that the judges will have to show you exactly why they are on the judging panel."

"What?" Snape's disgusted tone spoke for itself, whereas McGonagall was sending Albus one of her infamous death glares. The expression '_if looks could kill' _sprang to mind.

"They will be showcasing their talents after a quick five minute break, in which I will, most probably, be badly injured. Have St Mungo's on alert, will you?" With that, he led the two stunned Professors into the wings of the stage.

I can only imagine what he had to say to get his colleagues to agree but, lo and behold, they did. Dumbledore strided smugly onto the stage and grinned at the audience.

"Good afternoon students. Please welcome to the stage Professor Severus Snape!"

The Slytherin population were the only ones cheering, although, to their credit, the other Houses did not boo or hiss. They remained silent.

Severus Snape bounded onto the stage and waited there until the music began. He was dressed in a black shirt with tight-fitting black jeans, which was about as much of a surprise as the fact that his hair was no longer lank and greasy (probably McGonagall's doing. She always called him a '_greasy git'_, but not in front of him, of course) and that he was a dancer. I have to admit that I was told correctly of his dancing ability. Each movement he made told a story of love and deception and tragedy. It was fabulous, it was fluid and it was extraordinary. He ended with a cartwheel and went into the splits (I cannot believe he can do that!). Snape was breathing hard and the Great Hall melted into a sea of cheers and whistles (even from Gryffindor). I think it was safe to say that one person expected that from the Potions Master. He was going to get some stick for that, I was sure of it!

"See? That wasn't too bad, was it? Well done, Professor," he bellowed over the cheers. "Now, please give it up for Professor Minerva McGonagall!" This time it was the Gryffindors' turn to cheer.

Minerva McGonagall walked into centre stage with her wavy black hair cascading freely down her back. She wore a v-neck black dress, which showed off her slim figure, with a red band around her waist. This was about as shocking as Professor Snape's attire. She took a handkerchief and transfigured it into a grand piano (she received many "ooh"s and "aah"s for that). She took her seat and began to play a melody which was familiar to me, she wasn't a bad pianist either.

"This is a little song I know, which is performed by a Muggle singer known as Elton John. Well…here goes!" She closed her eyes as the final bars of the introduction played beneath her fingertips.

"_It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside_

_I'm not one of those who can easily hide." _Her voice swept through the Great Hall, soft as velvet, sweet like honey and not a flat note in sight. Exactly as I remembered it. Everybody, Slytherins included, were staring, wide-eyed, at their Deputy Headmistress.

"_Don't have much money but, boy if I did,_

_I'd buy a big house where we both could live._

_If I were a sculptor, but then again, no,_

_Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show," _at the beginning of this line, her eyes flickered open and rested upon Professor Snape, the 'Potions' Master! She smiled as she sang the line to him then returned her eyes to the piano keys.

"_I know it's not much but it's the best I can do_

_My gift is my song and this one's for you._

_And you can tell everybody that this is your song_

_It may be quite simple but, now that it's done,_

_I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind_

_That I put down in words…_

_How wonderful life is when you're in the world."_ We were all still in a state of shock at this point, not by her voice or her appearance, but at the way that our strict Transfigurations teacher was pouring her heart out into this song.

"_I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss_

_Well a few of these verses, well,_

_They've got me quite cross._

_But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song_

_It's for people like you that keep it turned on._

_So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do,_

_You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue._

_Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean_

_Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen." _The last line was directed, this time, at Professor Dumbledore who returned her smile. However, this time her eyes did not return to the piano, they seemed transfixed on him. As if she were being hypnotized.

"_And you can tell everybody that this is your song_

_It may be quite simple but, now that it's done,_

_I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind_

_That I put down in words_

_How wonderful life is when you're in the world._

_I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind_

_That I put down in words_

_How wonderful life is while you're in the world."_

She rose from her seat to a hall-full of screaming cheers and wolf-whistles and blushed as she looked away from her best friend. Professor Dumbledore strolled gracefully onto the stage and held his hands up in an effort to silence the children.

"Wasn't that wonderful? I bet none of you saw _that _coming. So, that concludes today's events and-"

He was interrupted by Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall clearing their throats loudly.

"Excuse me, but you have publicly humiliated us, now it's _your_ turn," said Snape.

"Um… I'm afraid I cannot, alas, I have some Headmaster-y…type…things…to do." His last words were barely a mumble. There was NO way that he was getting out of this!

"Well I never, the great Albus Dumbledore too scared. Snap out of it man! Because you see Albus, if you refuse I _will_ hex you into oblivion or, if you prefer, I can give you back _all _of the weekly paperwork that you make me do. And don't even think about threatening us with loss of jobs _or_ the docking of our pay because we are not afraid of you! Plus, if you did, you would have to deal with the moronic Minister all on your little lonesome, wouldn't you?" Albus Dumbledore was effectively silenced by his Deputy's words and the rest of us were trying, unsuccessfully, to stifle our giggles. They were fighting like a married couple.

"Okay, I surrender," he glanced at Minerva, "I'll do it, but I require your assistance, if you are willing?"

"Naturally. What will you be needing me for?"

"I'll need you to do some harmonies for me," he turned to us, "We will return shortly, after we have discussed my choice of song. Severus, keep an eye on this lot for me, will you?" Snape ignored the Headmasters' sly wink and replied in a stony voice.

"Of course Headmaster." You didn't need to know Legilmency to see that Snape was thinking along the lines of many of the students. '_Harmonies, indeed, probably gone off somewhere to give her a good snog'._

"Thank you." Dumbledore practically skipped from the stage, dragging Professor McGonagall with him. They returned after two minutes, Minerva looking, almost imperceptibly, a little more dishevelled than she had done before and Albus was wearing a purple suit with red socks and black shoes. His tie depicted a broomstick flying around a set of Quidditch goalposts. He was quite a sight.

"Is everybody ready? I have to let you know that I was on the judging panel for the sole reason that I am the Headmaster. However, I am willing to give it a go and I would like to apologize in advance for my lack of talent. Oh, by the way, you can all blame Professor McGonagall for this, she forced me into it."

"Yeah, she probably gave him a good seeing to!" Ron whispered in my ear. It made me want to laugh but I gave him a swift elbow in the chest, to be honest, I was thinking the same thing.

"Here we go. This song is from a Muggle musical that I saw quite some time ago and I think it represents our school rather well." He began to sing now, an upbeat show tune playing in the background.

"_Kids_

_I don't know what's wrong with these kids today._

_Kids_

_Who can understand anything they say?_

_Kids_

_They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs_

_Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers._

_And while we're on the subject_

_Kids_

_You can talk and talk till your face is blue_

_Kids_

_But they still do just what they want to do_

_Why can't they be like we were,_

_Perfect in every way?_

_What's the matter with kids today?" _He was right about him being an awful singer but, at least, he was in tune.

"_Kids." _He was joined by Professor McGonagall this time and, even though he was nowhere near as good as she was, they just sounded…right together_._

"_I don't mind the moonlight swims, it's the loop-the-loop that hurts!" _That line was spoken by Dumbledore.

"_Kids," _they both sang once more.

_How'll we ever beat the Russians?" _Again, this was spoken by Albus.

"_Kids."_

"_I didn't know what puberty was until I was almost past it_," he said, receiving many confused looks from the students. It was quite odd to hear him say that line; childish but true.

"_Laughing, singing, dancing, grinning morons_

_And while we're on the subject _

_Kids_

_They are just impossible to control_

_Kids_

_With their awful clothes and their rock 'n' roll._

_Why can't they dance like we did?_

_What's wrong with Sammy Caine?_

_What's the matter with kids today?" _They held the final note for quite a while, adding to the dramatic effect, and held each others' gaze, too. They did make such a cute couple, it had to be said. The Great Hall exploded into bouts of applause for a final time and Professor Dumbledore turned to his colleagues (Severus had just waltzed back onto the stage).

"Thank you very much, both of you," he said gratefully. The curtains closed on the stage and we all began to file out, but I headed for the wings of the stage because I was an idiot and left my wand there. When I got there, I discovered that Professor Snape had already vacated the premises and Professor McGonagall was sat, cross-legged, on the stage. Dumbledore walked over to her and offered her his hand, which she accepted, to pull her up.

"That was a wonderful performance, my dear," he said quietly.

"Why, thank you. I would say the same for you, except I could not do so truthfully. My mother taught me that I should not lie unless it was completely imperative that I do."

"Lovely lady, your mother. And, honestly, I am hurt," he chuckled, "But, seriously now, Minerva, I-I just…I mean… oh, to hell with it!" He cupped her confused face in his hands and pulled it towards his own. He kissed her with so much passion and heart, it was so lovely (although, it was a tad like watching your Mum and Dad snogging!). They pulled away, both looking quite shocked, and, not wanting to intrude any further, I made to leave. I spotted my wand, grabbed it and started towards the exit. They were kissing again. Aww…

"Miss Granger?" I snapped back to my senses as the voice called out to me, "We would very much appreciate it if you never told a living soul, or a dead one for that matter, what you just witnessed. You have no idea how much danger your Deputy Headmistress here could be in if the world knew."

"Of course I won't, sir." It warmed my heart to see them like that as they entered into yet another passionate embrace and I left the stage, and them, behind.

FINITE INCANTATEM.

_A/N: Definitely not one of my best but, all the same, reviews are very much appreciated._


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